What NOT to do in band
by ThatMasterOfChaos
Summary: Simply a compilation of things either the people in my band class or myself have done that should not be done. Funny. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**What NOT to do in Band**

I will not pretend to cry when my band director does not have enough copies.

I will not kick the person sitting next to me if he touches my case.

I will not hide candy in my instrument and eat it in class.

I will not hide tubas.

I will not write anonymously to my band director about his hair style.

I will not steal things from my band director and hide them.

I will not tell people that our substitute teacher reads Jesus books.

I will not make Chewbacca noises when the sub walks by.

I will not play random notes when I don't know where we are.

I will not hide people's things in my instrument.

I will not hit the people in front of me in the head with a music stand.

I will not laugh hysterically at the way my band director says "pianissimo."

I will not tell people GP means giant penis.

I will not lock people in band lockers and take pictures of them.

I will not talk to the video camera during auditions.

I will not ask the video camera how my friends did on their auditions.

I will not read instructions out loud during auditions.

I will not move the chair so the video camera cannot see me during auditions.

I will not put scary pictures of my band director on Facebook.

I will not tell a French horn player that they sound like a dying manatee.

I will not anonymously write to my band teacher about the greasiness of his hair.

I will not make nicknames for my band director and shout them during class.

I will not stand up and salute people while my band director is talking.

I will not ask where my band teacher lives.

I will not ask my band teacher if he and his roommate have samurai fights with their batons during their free time.

I will not confuse my band director on purpose.

I will not threaten to kill the person next to me.

I will not randomly leave class more than once.

I will not steal peoples' mouthpieces and refuse to give them back until they hit me.

I will not ask my band director how his dog is doing every day.

I will not ask my band director if his cat is dead yet.

I will not have a newfound respect for my band director whenever he gets a haircut.

I will not tell my band director that I like his pink shirt and proceed to stare at it until he tells me to go away.

I will not steal my band director's things at band camp and throw them.

I will not wink at my band director during band camp solely because he did not know my name at the time.

I will not take apart other peoples' instruments.

I will not ask the student band teacher how his girlfriend is at the top of my lungs during a free throw at basketball games.

I will not throw candy at the rest of the band during basketball games.

I will not hide candy wrappers on other peoples' bodies.

I will not hide candy wrappers inside other peoples' instruments.

I will not talk about naked time around drum majors.

I will not talk about naked time.

I will not ask which teachers my band director hates.

I will not get students to stare at my band director while his girlfriend/boyfriend/bothfriend is present.

I will not get students to stare at my band director.

I will not tell my band director that he just got burned.

I will not take pictures of my band director sleeping.

I will not have other students tell my band director that I would like to light him on fire.

I will not continue to ask my band director where he lives.

I will not trick-or-treat at my band director's house.

I will not frequently bring friends to visit my band director at his house.

I will not tell my band director that his shirt makes him look like a French poet.

I will not scream "NO!" during class.

I will not threaten my band director not to drive his car home.

I will not play Frisbee with my hat in the band room.

I will not compare my band director's shirt to graph paper.

I will not object profusely when my band director turns out the lights for a certain song.

I will not ask my band director for candy.

I will not scoot as far away as possible from the person next to me in class.

I will not make a barrier between the person next to me and myself with music stands.

I will not bow to my friends when my band director says the word "master."

I will not scream "dance party" in French during class.

I will tell people that my band director thinks he's a wizard.

I will not scream Harry Potter spells when my band director points his baton at me for a cue.

I will not attempt to hold a staring contest with my band director during a song.

I will not call my band director "Big Daddy."

I will not get my entire family to corner my band director after a concert and do a strange hand gesture at him.

I will not get my family to scream things before we play a song at a concert.

I will not give out my band director's phone number.

I will not call my band director by his first name.


	2. Chapter 2

I will not meow along to the low brass part when my band director tries to help them.

I will not visit my band director's house, and when he doesn't answer the door, sit on his front porch and sing songs.

I will not tell my band director that it's a good idea for him to continue teaching us pranks. (Yes, he teaches us pranks.)

I will not call my band director's girlfriend his "bothfriend" in front of him.

I will not take a bite out of a paper my friend tries to show me.

I will not eat paper in front of my band director and claim it was nothing.

I will not jump back as if touched with a burning stick when my band director mysteriously appears next to me.

I will not get my friend to hide in a tuba cage during small sectional.

I will not, if somebody tells me I'm senile, scream, "YOU'RE SHORT!" and kick mud onto them.

I will not let my friends throw food into the garbage can, take it out, and start eating it again when my band director is present.

I will not give my band director an incredulous look when he plays a clarinet badly.

I will not treat my band director like a mentally challenged baby.

I will not compile a list of Harry Potter spells in a response to the rule about not screaming spells during a cue.

I will not tell people that my band director is very sensitive.

I will not think about testing the myth that the head director throws chairs when he's angry.

I will not take credit for a song that my director played for us.

I will not spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to say the dynamic "ffff."

I will not make "sex eyebrows" at my friend in the flute section during an important discussion.

I will not overwhelm a little 8th grade boy at 8th grade pep band night by giving him a lot of candy.

I will not name the drum majors names like "Lesbian Alvin." He's a guy, and his name isn't Alvin.

I will not talk about my other teacher's friend that he calls "Firecrotch."

I will not spend the first day of band camp with the new director and immediately decide that he looks much like a chipmunk.

I will not call my band director "Rapey."

I will not combine the words "turtle" and "tortoise" to describe the head director. Turtis.

I will not stare at the rapidly spinning ceiling fan for 10 minutes.

I will not blame the "boom" noise the construction workers are making on the person next to me.

I will not skateboard in the bandroom.*

I will not ask my band director every day if we can do the Hokey Pokey.*

~__________________________________________________________________________________~

Also, much thanks to AkumuKitty9797 for the last two! :)

Sorry if it's a bit short, guys; I felt the need to update for you but I couldn't think of many that have happened in the past 2 and a half weeks! (Trust me . . . we have a parade coming up, and then band camp starts in June . . . Oh, I WILL have many . . . especially since I have to go to band camp on my birthday this year! [June 10th.])


	3. Chapter 3

I will not pretend to recharge a ball of energy during class.

I will not counter everything the student teacher says with a loving gaze.

I will not ask the student teacher if I can pet him.

I will not tell the student teacher how deliciously fluffy his hair looks.

I will not throw imaginary balls at the drum majors and ask if they can give it back.

I will not write inappropriate love letters and send them to the drum majors.

I will not tell the only male drum major how beautiful he is.

I will not take my pants off during rehearsals.

I will not get my section to stare at the other director in his office during class.

I will not attempt to mate with the freshmen's instruments.

I will not draw inappropriate pictures of the drum majors doing things to gloves.

I will not like it when a drum major molests my face with her gloves.

I will not turn math-help sessions with a drum major into a sexual legacy when speaking with freshmen.

I will not skip to Oz with people at competitions.

I will not buy my band director candy at competitions and tell him that I love him.

I will not tell everybody to call my band director "Daddy" on band trips.

I will not play "bumper chairs" in kindergarten classrooms during band camp.

I will not repeatedly ask the student teacher if he can fix my broken-beyond-repair neckstrap and watch him struggle for 15 minutes each time.

I will not call my section leader a velociraptor just because he's 6'5'' and has to crouch down to drink out of water fountains.

I will not create such things as the "Rhombus of Death" at the mention of the Circle of Life.

I will not do an oompa-loompa dance with everybody who happens to be in the same circle formation as me during rehearsals.

I will not mouth words at a drum major during a 21 measure rest my section has.

I will not be offended when my stand partner asks me to put my mouth piece cover on before our instruments mate.

I will not tell the student teacher that he sounds like Squidward when he laughs.

I will not walk up to a drum major while she is macing.

I will not show off the dent in my sax that I got from being hit with a mace.

I will not, while in the gym after a pep rally, tell people that it looks like Big Bird ejaculated. (Colored feathers ALL OVER THE PLACE)

I will not find the roof access door at whatever school we may be at.

I will not tell my section to "fuck this shit up" as a motivational speech.

.I will not trick-or-treat at my band directors house and sit on his porch when he doesn't answer.

I will not arrange the music of popular songs for my section to play during warm-ups.

I will not pretend to be an octopus.

I will not try to explain physics to a drum major until she tells me to "go over there and shut up."

I will not attempt to fly until a drum major tells me to put my wings down.

This next one is from a time at a marching band rehearsal when my enthusiastic band director told us that we'd be so good at the first football game, our parents would have a heart attack.

I will not ask my band director if he wants our PARENTS to DIE.

I will not put imaginary balls of energy into other peoples' instruments.

I will not make up a saxophone language and start cussing people out in it.

I will not strike a sexy pose when the male drum major walks by.

I will not encourage another member of my section to go up to that drum major and hump him.

I will not take credit for that incident.

I will not get a cut-out of Snape and bring it to pep band with me.

I will not show off the Snape card one of the drum majors got me when she visited the Harry Potter exhibit.

I will not tell my friend that the head director is a sex-crazed pirate.

I will not tell my old science teacher about only the strange parts of marching band, such as the fact that to become a magical penguin who can fly, you must lay an egg. He can't lay an egg, he says. Riiight.


End file.
